


Reasons Why

by aproudfangirl



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Blood, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Romance, Suicidal Thoughts, Tragic Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-08-03
Packaged: 2019-06-21 04:24:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15549555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aproudfangirl/pseuds/aproudfangirl
Summary: Riza Hawkeye loves Jean Havoc more than the word "love" can define, and she lists down all reasons why to give them a reminder. Havocai one(long)shot, in Brotherhood/Manga continuity. Written for the FMA Big Bang Challenge 2016! Warning: character death, mentions of suicide and blood.(An anon messaged me on tumblr asking if I can upload this story here on ao3 bc it is easier to read fics here than on ffn, according to him/her, so hello anon here u go :))





	Reasons Why

**Author's Note:**

> A more detailed note is on the ffn version of this fic hahaha so u can check it out there :)

“You might not have been my first love, but you were the love that made all other loves seem irrelevant.” – Rupi Kaur

* * *

 

You have done everything to make me happy, and this is my way of telling you how grateful I am. I know that I am not the type of person to write these things, but trust me when I say that these are the things I find hard to say out loud. You are a man of spoken words; I am a woman of hidden thoughts. I want to surprise you in every way that I can.

I’m a bit nervous about writing this – I am not used to opening up about my feelings to other people. You knew that fact very well, since you experienced how difficult it was for me to tell you what I feel firsthand. But then here I am, sitting down at my bed with a pen and paper in my hand, about to write down this list.

I love you so much. So damn much. And I know you know that, but I do not think those three words are enough to tell you what I feel. That is why I am writing this down in full detail. These are the things I want you to always remember. These are the things I do not want to forget.

* * *

 

100 Reasons Why I Love You

  1. I love running my fingers through your unkempt hair. At first I was surprised at how soft it was, so forgive me if I grab your hair with a little too much force every time we kiss. Doing it relieves me from stress – imagine how much I wanted to do it during work hours. Forgive me too if I try to always ruffle it every time we are alone.



 

  1. I love your blue eyes. They remind me of the sky, they remind me of the sea. Now, when I look at the sky I see you. When I see clear, blue water I see you. I am drowning in many ways you cannot imagine, all because of you looking at me with your blue eyes. I love it when I catch you staring at me during work hours, and how you watch my every move when we are at our apartments.



 

  1. I love your nose. I love how it bumps mine when we kiss. I love how it tickles my skin when you kiss every part of my body.



 

  1. I love your lips. I had always thought smokers had lips tainted black, and yet yours are not. You keep on saying that it is because I kiss you every day, but I doubt that is the case.  
  
I also love it when your lips touch mine; I love it when they touch my skin. I love watching them when you speak, and when you eat and drink. When you absentmindedly bite your lower lip when you are concentrating, and when you run your tongue between them when you are anticipating something.



 

  1. I love how gifted you are with your tongue.



 

  1. I love your smile. You have different kinds of smiles. You have a smile that makes wrinkles appear beside your eyes, and your mouth is so wide it seems like all of your teeth are exposed. That smile usually appears when you laugh at the jokes told during work hours. You also have a small smile, where your lips are pressed together and your cheeks flush. It appears during times when you catch me looking at you. There is also one where your mouth slowly curves into a smile while you slowly lift your left eyebrow. It usually shows when you see me wearing one of your shirts. All of these smiles never fail to brighten my day.



 

  1. I love the way you laugh. You chuckle whenever you play with Black Hayate; you guffaw whenever you make a joke with Breda and the Colonel. I always chide the three of you to shut up, but you still don’t. I don’t know if I should be pleased because it means I will get to hear your laugh, or not because I won’t be able to concentrate with my work. You laugh at every reaction I make whenever we are alone, and you always tell me that you find it cute. I just roll my eyes in reply, but deep down I love being the reason why you laugh.



 

  1. I love hearing your voice. I love hearing you talk about nonsense topics, like zombies and ghosts stories. I love hearing you talk in your sleep. Most of the things you say in your sleep are funny, but there are times when I hear you whisper my name. It makes me wonder what you were dreaming about. I tried asking you once about it, and you just smiled and shrugged it off. Then at work you told everyone that you just dreamed about the woman that you loved so much and they teased you about it. I found it funny because they would never guess that it was me.  
  
I also love hearing you sing. You sing whenever you prepare dinner, and sometimes when you take a shower. Whenever I am sick you sing while feeding me soup. I always joke that one day I will leave you because of your singing, but you just laugh and do it anyway. You are not that good at singing, which is often the butt of Breda’s jokes in the office. But I also cannot explain how hearing you sing out of tune gives me a warm feeling in my chest.



 

  1. I love hearing you say the words “I love you”. You never forget. You say it when I wake up; you whisper it before I fall asleep. You remind me whenever you can. There are times when you pass me small notes during office hours that contain only those three words. I keep all of those notes. I read them whenever I have a bad day, and I feel better afterwards. I am sorry if I do not say it back most of the times but you always tell me that there was no need – you already know.



 

  1. I love how you react when I kiss your earlobe. You would hold me tight and pepper my shoulders with a shower of kisses. It is just our other way of saying “I love you”.



 

  1. I love it when you wrap your arms around me. I didn’t expect you to be such a cuddly person. You always hug me at every chance you can get. You hug me while I wash the dishes; you hug me while we sleep at night. Hell, you even try to hug me for a second whenever no one is watching while we are looking for documents in the library. But my favorite hug of yours is when I am having nightmares. Having you near me already makes me feel safe, but when you put your arms around me, it gives me a different feeling. I feel like I am finally home. I feel safer than ever. It is my job to protect, but I love it when I feel protected as well.



 

  1. I love how your hand fits perfectly with mine, even if we both have calluses from our field work. It may sound cliché, but they are a perfect fit. I love how you never let go of my hand when we are alone, and how we try to intertwine our fingers when we walk at the corridor. It is a wonder how we never get caught.



 

  1. I love our height gap. Rebecca calls it the perfect cuddling height, and I know that she is right. You are way taller than me. I fit exactly under your chin, so whenever you hug me you place your chin above my head. It makes me feel so small, but safe as well. I have to stand on tiptoe whenever I kiss you, but you bend just so I do not have to do it anymore. And whenever we feel like dancing during the nights we are at our apartments, you tell me to stand on your feet instead so you can carry me around. You are still taller than me when I wear high heels, but at least you do not have to bend anymore when we kiss.



 

  1. I love it when you play with my hair. You braided it while I chop vegetables. You used it to tickle my cheek when we lie down in bed. You released it from my hairclip when we kiss. You volunteer to wash it whenever we shower together. Whenever your fingers run through my hair I lose all rational thought. You love my hair just as much as I love yours.  
  
I decided to cut my hair after the Promised Day, and you love it just as much as you loved my long hair. You say that it accentuates the features of my face, especially the way it brightens my eyes. You always tell me that I look beautiful no matter how long my hair is. Sometimes, you even give me a mini head massage. You love ruffling my hair, and you still run your fingers through it like how you did before.



 

  1. I love our pillow talk. How we talk about everything right after we make love, our bodies tangled between the sheets, my head on your chest as you play with my hair. Most of the time we talk about work - how we are going to execute our plan for the next day, what our back-up plans are if it does not work. But there are also times when we talk about other things – gun models, the events of that day, our future plans. We also talk after every nightmare I have, to help me forget about it. We talk and talk about anything and everything until one of us falls asleep.



 

  1. I love the fact that we are both sharpshooters. How each night that we practice at the range is already a date. How buying our personal guns is also considered a date. We are quite a match, they say. We are quite a match, people from work usually say. They don’t know how right they are. During evenings when we are bored and there’s no other work to be done, we both clean our guns and then sometimes compete to see who will be the first to reassemble theirs. Whoever wins will do the other a favor, and I have to admit that there are times when I intentionally make myself lose, because you are everything to me and if a small favor will let you know just how much you mean to me, I will gladly take the fall.



 

  1. I love how we talk about our future like we have everything planned. We casually talk about it like it will really happen even though there is a little to no possibility that it will. We talk about our wedding - who will be the bridesmaid, who will be the best man. We talk about the gown that I will wear that can conceal the tattoo on my back. We plan to have a simple wedding – one wherein only our family and friends are invited. Then we will have the reception at a house we bought in the East, where we will raise our children. Afterwards we will make love like it is the last chance we have, and we will do it in every room of our house. You joked that it would be the only thing we would do for a week, and although I kept on shaking my head as you spoke, somehow I also thought it was a good idea. We have even planned how we are going to spend our old days together.  
  
All that is missing is a proposal in order for that plan to happen. A proposal never occurred, and I know it will never happen. We both know that we are just living on borrowed time, and that we are not even supposed to be together. But there is nothing wrong in dreaming, and we both know that if ever the time comes and you would kneel, asking for my hand in marriage, I will say yes. I will always say yes, again, and again, and again.



 

  1. I love how we started to become close. It was when we were both practicing at the shooting range. You asked me if you could take me home, because it was already late in the evening and a lady shouldn’t walk home alone. I laughed when you said that, you were surprised when you saw my reaction. I do not know why I found it funny, but I did, and before we knew it we were both laughing. Maybe it was because of the stress at the office lately. I told you that I could take care of myself, but you still insisted that you should take me home, so I relented. We grabbed a drink along the way, and we talked about lots of things.  
  
Instead of heading back to my apartment, our feet led us to the park, and we sat by the bench near the large oak tree. I told myself that we probably should go home because we still had work tomorrow, but in that moment I really didn’t want to. So we talked and talked, until our topics became more personal and deep. You told me about your father, who had another woman just because of trivial family problems he didn’t want to face. About how he fell out of love, and left your mother and their three kids hanging. How your mother struggled to take care of you and your older sisters, and how she survived yet even today she was still waiting for the day that your father will come back.  
  
I felt like I could trust you. I am not the type of person who gives out her trust right away, yet I didn’t hesitate telling you things only my best friend, Rebecca, knows. I felt that you are the type of person that I could vent out to whenever I need someone to talk to. I told you about how I loved Roy back then, how I felt that he does not feel that way anymore, that he only sees me as his first love from his childhood. How he treats me only as a friend. How he had already moved on and I am still stuck where we used to be.  
  
You told me that you knew, but not because it was obvious. You just knew how to read people, and you could see in my eyes that I was sad. You explained that you had been observing the team for a long while - you said that I bite the insides of my mouth when I am disappointed; you noticed that I sweat easily when I get excited. You also said that my eyebrows wrinkle and I stare at the floor when I am deep in thought. I didn’t know that I had these mannerisms, and I was surprised that you could read me that well. I jokingly accused you of watching my every move, and you rode with my joke, telling me that you have been stalking me ever since.  
  
You grinned as you told me that Roy made you livid, stealing your dates, but maybe it was meant to happen because someday someone better than those girls would come and choose you over him no matter what. You have been waiting for her for a long time, and you had already dubbed her your greatest love. You joked that since we were both somewhat wounded by Roy Mustang, we should be together instead. I slapped you lightly on the back as you laughed, thinking how absurd that idea was. How funny that it came true.  
  
It was already one in the morning when you walked me home, and I looked forward to repeating that moment sometime. So when we both saw each other at the shooting range days after that moment, I cannot explain how excited I felt. Nights like that followed, and I found myself thinking of you more, though I was confused as to why.



 

  1. I love that we both realized that we were already falling in love with each other at the same time – how it started slowly and suddenly began crashing into us. It was at the annual military ball. Roy had brought a date, and surprisingly I didn’t mind. I had no idea why, but I couldn’t wait to see you instead. I felt happy that you hadn’t brought a date, and Rebecca teased me about it. We had already become very close, so it was no surprise that you asked me to dance. You offered me your hand; I took it and squeezed it tight. You thought it was because Roy was dancing with another woman, and I convinced myself of that too even though he hadn’t been on my mind for a while. We danced, and when the song hit a particularly stirring note, we both looked into each other’s eyes and stared at each other both of us suddenly unwilling to look away.  
  
We stopped dancing and stood there unmoving as other couples danced awkwardly around us. Some even accidentally bumped into us. A minute or so passed before you asked me - and I could tell that you were hesitating - if I wanted to dance near Roy to try to make him jealous. And you were surprised that I said no, that I didn’t see the need anymore because I am already with you. In my mind I thought that I do not care if he would be jealous or not; I even hoped that he wouldn’t be jealous because imagine how awkward it would be. You seemed stunned, so I just buried my face in your neck and hugged you. You recovered from the shock - that was the first time you held me tight. I didn’t care if anybody noticed. To tell you the truth, I was amazed at myself that I didn’t care at all about the anti-fraternization laws hanging over our heads. It was our moment and nobody could steal that away from us. In my eyes, the only people present in the room were you and me.



 

  1. I loved that moment when we almost kissed. It was at the shooting range, days after the military ball. We were practicing our shooting with Rebecca after work, and we three were the only ones there. She decided that she was done for the day so she went to the locker room, leaving us alone. Moments from the military ball replayed in my mind; I was glad that we hadn’t become awkward around each other afterwards. We talked about nothing in particular as we took a break. You dropped your lighter – the one I bought you for your birthday, and I smiled inwardly as I saw that – and we both reached for it automatically.  
  
Our fingers touched, and I was sinking in your deep blue eyes again. Seconds, maybe even minutes passed, but we just stared at each other. I cannot remember who made the first move, but the next thing I knew was our foreheads were slowly touching. You bent over so I could put my feet flat on the ground. I could feel your breath against my lips. I could feel my heartbeat pounding out of my chest. Your blue eyes widened as they looked into mine, drowning me like they always do. You had that small, content smile on your face, and I couldn’t help but smile back. We moved slowly, taking our time. You placed your hand on my right cheek, and I held it close to my face, the lighter on the floor forgotten. I gripped your shirt as I pulled you closer to me. Our noses bumped into each other as our lips slowly closed the gap between them but as I felt the ghost of your lips touching mine Rebecca decided to reappear. Talk about her perfect timing.  
  
She was already asking when we were going to leave the range when she saw how close our faces were. We both jumped away from each other as Rebecca laughed and asked if she should leave so we could continue our make-out session. We both threatened to shoot her if she asked that again, or if she dared to tell other people what she just saw. When I was left alone with Rebecca, she asked me when I realized that I had fallen for you. I convinced her – and myself – that no, I didn’t love you, I was still in love with Roy and that would never change. Do you know what she did? She rolled her eyes exaggeratedly, throwing her hands up in the air. Rebecca lectured me as she told me what she thought I felt. Loving Roy was my comfort zone, she said, and it seemed to her that I was scared of going out of that comfort zone. She said I had to realize that in order for me to be happy, I should take the risk. I should go out of my comfort zone. And I did. I admitted to myself that I was falling for you. Rebecca patted me on the back when I told her that. She told me that I had made the right choice. I told her I was afraid, but she shrugged it off. She was confident that you would never leave me the way I feared. I never regretted my decision.



 

  1. I love the moment when we first kissed. You were going to attend a family gathering, and you needed someone to pose as your date since you were tired of hearing your relatives complain about your lack of companionship. Thinking about my conversation with Rebecca days ago, I volunteered to go with you. You smiled, saying that you had been just about to ask me to be your date. I told Rebecca about it on the phone, and she was so ecstatic about it. She helped me pick my clothes, and she never disappoints. When I saw your reaction when you fetched me from my apartment, I was glad I called for her help.  
  
You held my hand as we walked to your aunt’s house, and hardly feeling like myself I intertwined our fingers. You looked at me and smiled as you squeezed my hand tighter. It was so out of character for me - to hold someone’s hand in public, to feel giddy about it, not caring whether somebody saw us or not. When we arrived at the house I pretended to be someone who worked in a jewelry shop, and your family didn’t suspect that I was a rank higher than you in the military. You blushed when one of your sisters told me that I was the first woman you introduced to your family, and I just laughed but deep down inside I felt light. Your mother, especially, is a caring woman. And your two older sisters already treated me like one of their own even though we just met.  
  
We left the gathering two hours after we arrived, and went to the park to pass the time for a while. We sat at the bench where we first talked for hours, and you never let go of my hand. We looked at the constellations in the sky, and I pointed out those that I knew. After some time you stopped looking at the stars, and I felt your gaze on me. I looked back at you, and it was like our almost kiss repeated itself, but this time it really did happen.  
  
You tasted of cigarettes, and something else I couldn’t define. I tangled my fingers through your hair, pulling you closer, unwilling to end this moment. After a few minutes I reluctantly let go of your mouth for air. Biting your lip, those lips that had been on mine seconds ago, you told me that you loved me with a small smile. You looked at me and I could read the hope in your eyes that I would tell you the same. It was a simple declaration of love, yet it was so heavy with feeling that I replied the same thing right away. We spent another hour on that bench, just holding hands and not saying anything. I leaned into your shoulder, and you squeezed my hand tight. In that moment I felt contented, and yet I wanted more. You took me home afterwards, and before you left you kissed me lightly, saying those three words again.  
  
As I write this now, I think about how our past selves would hardly believe any of it. How could we have guessed that things would happen the way they did? That night in the park, the military ball, your laugh and your kisses – now I cannot imagine my own life without you in it. Who would’ve known that two unlikely people will end up together?



 

  1. I love how you always spoil Black Hayate. You always play with him, and you give him treats when you think I am not looking. I sometimes think that Black Hayate prefers you more than me, and when I once told you about it you just laughed at me because I was being jealous over a little thing. You told me that we are just like his parents, I being the strict one and you being the affectionate one. I like to think of it that way. I am happy that Black Hayate loves you as much as he loves me. In a way, it is his way of saying that he wants us to be together.



 

  1. I love how we both have keys to our apartments, and how we each have some of our things in the other’s. Black Hayate is already used to having two homes, and I think that there are times when he prefers to stay in yours. I love the times when I come home late to find you cooking dinner in my apartment; I love sneaking into yours during the nights when I cannot sleep. Being with you makes me feel that I can live a normal life – myself, the man that I love, and our dog. It is how I wanted my life to be.



 

  1. I love how you never left me even after knowing my past. You kissed me over and over again in your apartment. Black Hayate was sleeping near the door, so we were careful not to make any noise. You knelt in front of me as I sit on the couch, our lips never ceasing to touch. As I slowly removed your shirt, I almost forgot all about the tattoo on my back, but as you were about to remove mine I froze. Seeing how shaky I became, you thought that maybe we were moving at a pace that was too fast for me. That it wasn’t the right time yet for us to make love and you understood. You told me that it was okay, and that it didn’t change what you feel about me. As you were about to pick up your shirt from the floor I stopped you, saying that that wasn’t it.  
  
I wanted you, badly, but I was afraid that after seeing my back you would leave, just like other men that I had gone out with for quite some time. You were different from the others; I didn’t know what I would do if you went away. It was why I was so scared that you were going to leave. You drew circles on the back of my hand with your thumb, patiently waiting for me to explain why I had suddenly become nervous. Looking into my eyes, you smiled, not forcing me to speak. I told you to move so I could sit on the floor. I removed my shirt and turned my back towards you. It was painfully quiet. I assumed you were about to ask me to leave. I could picture the horrified look on your face, and felt tears forming in my eyes. So imagine the shock I felt when your arms snaked around my waist and pulled me to your chest.  
  
You repeatedly whispered the words “I love you” in my ear and then I cried. You kissed the nape of my neck and I gripped your arms tight. I was still hesitant to face you, thinking that maybe you were only saying that because you do not want to ruin the friendship we had before all this. I should‘ve remembered that you know how to read people. And because I wouldn’t turn around, you stood up and sat in front of me instead. You wiped the tears falling from my eyes and continued to tell me that you loved without caring about the history that you guessed from the scars on my back. I saw it in your eyes that you meant every word you said. You kissed my forehead and my tear-stained cheeks and placed your chin on the top of my head, waiting for me to gain my composure.  
  
You were not like those other men who left me, who judged me, who were afraid to be with me after finding out. In that moment I was so sure that I loved you more than I thought I was capable of. I loved you so much that the feeling made me speechless, even considering that I am a woman of few words. I loved you so deeply that it made me gasp for air, but I wouldn’t care if I ran out of air to breathe and it left me dying. I loved you so intensely that I felt it as an aching pain in my chest, but I didn’t want that pain to go away. Tears stopped flowing from my eyes, and I didn’t know how to explain how thankful I am that you came into my life, and how much I wanted you to stay.  
  
I kissed your collarbone, feeling you become tense. I traced my lips from your jaw to your ear, you made a little noise, and that is how I found out that your ear is your sensitive spot. You hugged me tighter than before, kissing my shoulder blades. I slightly pulled away from your embrace so I could kiss you properly. At first it was a slow and lazy kiss but after some time it became rough and full of need. And because we couldn’t afford to wake Black Hayate by making love on the couch, you carried me to your bedroom. You kissed each and every scar I have in my body; you told me that I am beautiful, and you repeated those words over and over again. Every second following that moment is still etched in my memory.  
  
I told you everything about my past afterwards - about my father, Roy, the tattoo, Ishval, the scars on my back. You listened to every word I said, and after I explained everything you pulled me closer. You commended me for being brave. You told me that to you, these scars on my back were proof that I was a strong person for surviving all these happenings in my life, and that made you proud. You reminded me that you love me because of me, and not because you expected me to have a scar-free back. You understood, even though you were not there in my past to witness it all. You are unlike other people who looked at my back with pity, disgust, and horror displayed on their faces. I didn’t know what to say, so I kissed you instead. We held each other close as we waited for sleep to take hold of us. And as you drifted into unconsciousness I traced the contours of your face, thanking fate and all the deities that exist for bringing me to you.



 

  1. I love the way you smell. Cologne and cigarettes. Somehow it is the only thing I like about your smoking. It comforts me though I still cannot explain how.



 

  1. I love it when you cut back on your smoking for me. I already told you before that I didn’t like you wasting your life on a cigarette, but you had been smoking since before we first met, so I didn’t think that it was in my control since it was your habit. But when I noticed that you had been smoking less and less over the past few days, to be honest I started worrying. I thought you were having a serious problem and you just weren’t telling me. I subtly asked Fuery about it, and he told me about a recent conversation you had with Falman, about how a cigarette could be just as dangerous to a non-smoker as to the person smoking. I didn’t want to assume that it was because I was with you for most parts of the day, so I asked you later that evening. You said that your need for me is stronger that your need for cigarettes, which is why you can manage not smoking whenever I am with you, and that you didn’t want to put me in any harm because of your smoking. It was touching to know that there is someone who is willing to let go of something that has been a part of them for a long period of time just for you, and I consider myself lucky to have found that someone.



 

  1. I love how great you are in bed.



 

  1. I love how you take care of me. You take care of me whenever I am drunk. You drink a lot whenever the team goes into a bar, but I wonder how you do not get drunk after a few bottles of beer. There was this one Friday night. Our team went to Madame’s bar, and after drinking one bottle of beer I was already getting tipsy. You, on the other hand, drank three bottles you still can stand straight. You offered to take me home, telling the Colonel and the others that out of the six of us you were the most sober, even though we all knew that wasn’t true. The men allowed you to take me home anyway. I do not exactly remember what happened next, all I knew is that when we were far enough from the bar, you swept me up and carried me bridal style since we were not in uniform. You held me tightly all the way home, and carefully settled down next to me in your soft bed.  
  
The next day, I was nursing a hangover. You were supposed to accompany your sister to the food tasting for her wedding, but you chose to stay with me instead. I felt bad because of it, and called her to apologize, but she just laughed and said it was okay. You gave me extra care that day, even though I puked on your new shirt. You just laughed in response as you removed your shirt. I was so sick that I forgot to thank you for that.  
  
You narrated the story of what happened after I got drunk. I had started by ranting about everything that was on my mind to the men, with a particular focus on their habit of procrastinating. I told Fuery that he was so cute I wanted to hug him sometimes. I asked Vanessa and the girls why they didn’t want me to work in their bar. I told Breda that most of his jokes were not that funny. And when you carried me home you told me that I proposed. I asked you if we had already gotten married because of the way you were carrying me. And when you laid me down on the bed I insisted that we should’ve sex because it was our honeymoon. I am a different person when drunk, you said. I was more vocal and expressive about everything, but at least I didn’t say anything about our relationship while we were at the bar.  
  
The fact that I proposed bothered me the most. It was something that I hadn’t considered at that time, but still I wanted to know if you wanted us to get married someday. I wanted to ask you about your reply, but I do not want to sound too pressing. You were able to read me, as usual. And you told me that you answered yes when I asked you to marry me. My heart beat faster when I heard that.  
  
You also love to take care of me whenever I am sick. Whenever I feel dizzy in the office you jokingly order me to go home, even though I am a rank higher than you. You convince Roy to allow you to take me home, since our apartments are close. The others wonder why you are so adamant on taking me home and taking care of me; you just reason out that the team cannot afford to have me sick. And they know how well you take care of sick people, so they give you permission to leave early as well.  
  
Then when we arrive at my apartment you carry me to the bed and help me change into one of your shirts, since you know that I love wearing those. You place a wet towel over my forehead and check my temperature every now and then. Then you prepare a big bowl of soup for me and help me eat it. I find it annoying yet cute when you treat me like a child, telling me to open my mouth because the train will enter. Then afterwards you lie down with me and hug me tight to – in your own words – help regulate body temperature. I push you away because I do not want you to get sick as well, yet you pull me back into your arms again, telling me that you will not get sick. We both knew that it is a lie, though. You always get sick after a few days, and then it becomes my turn to take care of you.



 

  1. I love that we also have fights, just like any other couple. We have minor ones, and those big ones that make one of us leave for a while. There was this one time, and I’ve already forgotten the reason behind it. All I remember is that you were shouting because of irritation, and I was speaking in a monotone voice laced with anger. You said something that made me stand up and leave you alone in my apartment. You didn’t even stop me from leaving; I thought it was the end.  
  
It was raining outside as I walked, and I was still wearing your hoodie. I was grateful for the rain that time - it hid the tears that were falling from my eyes. As I hugged myself tight, the faint smell of cigarettes from your hoodie entered my nose, and it made me cry harder. I wanted you to stay, but I loved you so much that I was willing to let you go if you want to. I didn’t know where I was headed, but my feet led me to that bench in the park where we used to talk. I sat there, thinking about you and me and all the times we were together. I know I sound like a sappy little girl but you are the only one who can make me act like this.  
  
I heard footsteps behind me, and felt the rain stop falling above my head. You were there, holding an umbrella over my head. You knew me more than I knew myself – you guessed right away that this was where I would go. You offered your hand and apologized. And because I had been such an idiot, I ran back into your arms. You dropped the umbrella you were holding and hugged me tight. We were both drenched in the rain, but we didn’t care at all. You didn’t promise that we would never have fights like that again, but you swore never to leave me like my father did when my mother died. Like how other men did when they fell out of love. You vowed that you would never be like your own father, and that we would fight for what we have no matter how difficult and uncertain this is. I believed your every word, and I still do now. I promised to do the same.  
  
We are both inexperienced in this whole long-term relationship thing, but we will always make it work. I told you that you are the best thing that happened in my life, and that I couldn’t afford to lose you just because of a stupid fight. You kissed me hard after hearing those rare words from my mouth. You told me that I was the one you had been waiting for your whole life, and I hugged you tighter in response.  
  
We had both come down with colds by the time we got back home, but cuddling with you afterwards made it all worth it.



 

  1. I love how you always remind me that I am the only one you love. There were times when Breda would joke about your ex-girlfriends during work hours. I reprimanded him for being noisy and distracting, but somehow you noticed that I only got riled up like that whenever those exes were mentioned. You also reacted whenever Roy was telling something about his date the previous night, and although I know that it is just an act of yours to help cover our relationship, I cannot help but feel insecure. Men usually prefer women who are stunning - those who make people turn their heads whenever they walk down the street. Men prefer women who have soft hands to hold; and women who have slender bodies that would be easier to carry. Men prefer women who have a smooth, flawless skin. Those were the characteristics that your ex-girlfriends have, and I have none of those. My worries were pointless, though. You tease me for getting jealous easily, but afterwards you always tell me that you love me. That what you felt for those girls was nothing compared to what you feel about me. You repeat it over and over again. And those words you tell me are enough to remove all my insecurities.



 

  1. I love how you appreciate the little things I do for you. You give me a little smile whenever I make a poor attempt at massaging your shoulders. You kiss my forehead whenever I cook your favorite meal. You keep all the simple notes I leave around your apartment before I go, even though they are just simple reminders – like telling you to always remember to turn off the kitchen light. They may be small ways of showing you just how important you are to me, and they are very small compared to yours, but it is nice to know that you value those things so much.  

  2. I love how you reacted when the whole team found out about us. I really found it cute. We were riding a train back to East City that day from an undercover mission. I was reading a book while the five of you were laughing about some silly joke that Falman told three days ago when Breda suddenly asked how long we had been together. The whole private compartment suddenly fell quiet, and I had a feeling Breda and the others had been talking about this for quite some time. I gave Breda a _Shut up_ look but he still had that smug grin on his face. You just looked at him and pretended that what he was saying wasn’t true; he still couldn’t be convinced otherwise.  
  
Breda said that he, Falman and Fuery had some suspicions and they had had bets going on for months. He always saw you giving me notes, me slightly smiling upon reading them. Falman noticed how close we were while walking down the hallways our feet rubbing against each other under the table, and once he saw you hugging me when we both thought that no one was looking. They had all noticed us glancing at each other at some point. And Rebecca’s big mouth slipped when she and Breda were catching up one day, as she was the only other person who knew.  
  
Their suspicions were confirmed during the undercover mission, where we both pretended to be a couple. They noticed how easily we stepped into character. How we found it so easy to hold hands and hug and kiss. How we were somewhat still pretending after the suspects were apprehended. I looked at you, and I knew that we were both thinking the same thing – we hadn’t been careful enough, we were already doomed, and there was no way out of this.  
  
I didn’t want to speak for us; I admit that at that time I felt nervous even though we were among friends. I looked out the window while you calmly said that we had been together for almost two years. Breda was shocked that it was that long, but Falman said that it was quite obvious that it had been going on for two years. You made the team swear that this was only between us and Rebecca. It was funny - you threatened to shoot them all in the balls if any other officers ever found out. When Roy began to speak, I became nervous. He was our superior after all. But he only told us to be more careful, and that the team had figured out there was something going on because we had all known each other for so long.  
  
After the men promised that they would keep their mouths shut, you immediately grabbed my hand, saying that you had been itching to do that for the entirety of our four-hour train ride. The three men laughed, saying they never would’ve expected it. Falman won the bet. They also asked more about our relationship, and I just told them to shut up. They did, while you laughed at them. You continued holding my hand, but we placed it between us so they wouldn’t  see.  
  
Still, I would be lying if I told you that our team knowing about us wasn’t a big sigh of relief. It was hard to keep our relationship secret for such a long time, and because they knew, it wouldn’t be as hard for you to pass me those love notes anymore. Finally I would be able to put my head on your shoulder during long train rides, and they wouldn’t wonder why. And it would also be easier for me to steal a glance at you.



 

  1. I love your simple surprises. One of them occurred on our second anniversary. When I stepped into the office I found a flower and a love note waiting for me at my table. You avoided looking at me as I walked to my desk; Breda and Falman were making kissing and moaning sounds while Fuery just turned red. I glared at them, and it was enough to make them quiet. As I finished reading your letter I glanced up to see you smiling at me. I grabbed my own letter from my bag and gave it to you. And I could tell that you were surprised, as I do not usually give these kinds of gifts. After you read that letter you grinned, and I smiled.  
  
The team greeted us, and they made some jokes about how we would celebrate our anniversary. Roy told me that I should smile like that more often. That, though, is one order that I would disobey, for that smile is reserved only for you.



 

  1. I love how needy you are during the weekends. You distract me from the paperwork I bring home from the office by nuzzling my neck or massaging my shoulders. You disturb me from my book by reading the summary written at the back of the book with different voices or by hiding your face behind the book, your eyes peeking over the edge of the pages like you want to play peek-a-boo. I usually roll my eyes in response, and tell you to do something else rather than bother me with your antics. But of course, you do not listen and continue doing what you usually do. You know that I will give in eventually, because you are more important than those things. And when I kiss you after my defeat, I can taste the victory on your lips.



 

  1. I love how you always prove how much you love me whenever someone doubts it. There was this one time when Roy confronted you about our relationship. It was on a Friday night at Madame Christmas’ bar. I wasn’t able to join you drinking because Rebecca asked me to help her bake cookies for her mother. Breda, Falman, and Fuery weren’t also able to come because they have other personal matters to attend to. Imagine the surprise I felt when I got a call from Madame Christmas telling me to come to the bar because you two got involved in a fight.  
  
When I arrived, the two of you were sitting away from each other. Both of your faces and arms were bruised. Your nose was bleeding, while Roy was sporting a black eye. I heaved a huge sigh as I asked Vanessa about the reason why you fought, and I got more confused when she said that all she knew was that I was the reason you two caused a scene. I was so livid at both of you because of creating a huge mess and I dragged you out of the bar, hailed a taxi, and brought you to your apartment.  
  
As I applied medicine to your bruises, you explained what made you and Roy beat each other. You told that after three beers Roy confessed that he was afraid. He was afraid for me. He was afraid that you’d love me and then leave me afterwards. He was afraid that my complicated history will make you leave. You told him that you knew everything about me, and his involvement in my past, and how it didn’t change the fact that you loved me. It still wouldn’t convince Roy, though. He said that I deserve someone special, and even though you are a great friend, maybe you aren’t the guy for me. Your previous relationships never worked out well, and Roy was afraid that it will turn out like that with me.  
  
All the words he said offended you. You asked him who he was to accuse you of something that you weren’t. You told Roy that if he treats us both as his friends, he shouldn’t doubt what we have. You exclaimed that you loved me so much that you wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. You repeated it over and over again, and he got annoyed. The next thing you knew was that his fist was on your face.  
  
What you said left me speechless. I must’ve been silent for a long time, lost in thought, when you asked me if I was thinking the same thing. I was about to answer that it was an absurd thought when I looked at you and saw tears falling down from your eyes. You begged me to not think of you that way. You told me that my complicated history will never change anything about what you feel. You promised me that you won’t leave. You whispered the words “I love you” over and over again as you held my hand and continued crying. You were never the type to cry, I was blaming this all on the alcohol. Yet, I know that the words you told me that night were from your heart.  
  
Carefully I wiped the tears from your eyes, and told you that I don’t believe every word Roy said. I thanked you for never leaving my side, and I know that you wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. I whispered those three words back - those three words that you never failed to remind me every time. And you smiled, like how you always do whenever I tell you those three words.  
  
I talked to Roy the following Monday. I told him that his fear was pointless. I told him how different and stronger our relationship was compared to our previous ones. I told him how much I loved you, and how much you do in return. He apologized for what happened. He didn’t want to see me hurting, and he was afraid that you would end up hurting me. But he told me that after that night he somehow got convinced that you were the one.  
  
You both apologized to each other afterwards; laughing at how different you both act when you were drunk. I was glad that you two made up, yet I wondered how you both endured the jokes Breda makes about your fight for the next two weeks.



 

  1. I love that you try to understand what I went through in Ishval. There are times when I remember all the things that I did in Ishval, and I suddenly become quiet. You would just hold my hand and squeeze it tight. You would simply say that I am a kind-hearted person for never forgetting what I have done. You knew how this changed how I believed in life and in myself. There were times when the flashbacks that entered my mind get so intense that I would tell you to leave because I don’t deserve to have someone like you. And yet, you won’t leave my side. You always remind me that those atrocities that I had done wouldn’t change the fact that you love me. It isn’t a matter of who deserves who, you would always say, the only important thing is that we love each other.  
  
You try to help me in any way you can. There was a time that you confessed that another reason why you follow Roy is because you wanted to help us rebuild Ishval. You wanted to help us redeem ourselves from what we have done. And although I always tell you that you don’t have to do that, I am thankful that you are willing to face these difficult times with me.  
  
Then at nights when I am plagued with nightmares, you hold me tight and tell me that everything is alright, that I am with you, I am safe. Your voice is my anchor. And because I find it hard to sleep after that, you accompany me the whole night. I always tell you to sleep, but you want to make sure that I will be able to sleep as well. I once pretended to fall asleep, but I wasn’t a good actress - you were not convinced. You distract my dark thoughts by talking about light things, until finally I feel all right.



 

  1. I love how much you missed me when we broke up for a while. Roy told us that there were higher-ups who were wary of some officers having a relationship. It was highly unlikely that we were among those officers, but we couldn’t take the risk. It was hard for me, since I got used to being with you. I missed waking up next to you. I missed receiving your small notes. I missed running my fingers through your hair. I missed you, and the only thing that comforted me at the time was the fact that you felt the same way as I did. Your eyes told me all that I needed to know.  
  
We tried dating other people. You avoided dating women who are blonde or had brown eyes, while I looked for blond men with blue eyes. I didn’t kiss them though, let alone hold their hand, because they were not you. I got riled up whenever Breda asked you about your date the previous night, but I didn’t want you to see. Whenever I saw you with your date I felt a rush of bitterness, because it should’ve been me.  
  
The team moved to Central, and our situation didn’t change. Months later, you stumbled into my apartment and surprised me with rough kisses as I opened the door. When my senses returned, I clung to you as you carried me to my bed. Unlike the rough kisses that we shared before we tumbled in my bed, our lovemaking turned out to be slow, as if it was something that would never happen again. The simple thought of it made my eyes tear up, and you wiped them away, telling me how much you missed me. I just kissed you in reply.  
  
You kept on whispering endearments in my ear as I held you in my arms. We were both sweaty and exhausted afterwards, and I kissed your shoulder blade while our limbs were tangled. I snuggled on your side as you lied down, and you joked that you do not know how to explain to your current girlfriend that you just slept with your ex.  
  
I told you that you are mine as well, even though we were dating other people. You laughed at that, saying that you were not even holding those women’s hands or kissing them, just as I was doing with my dates. Then you placed a light kiss on my lips before we drifted to sleep, telling me that you will always be mine. The next days we continued dating other people, but from then on I felt assured that in the end we would still be together.



 

  1. I love how you allowed me to show you how important you are to me when you were paralyzed. Seeing you hurting like that was one of the most painful moments in my life. I visited you whenever I could at the hospital. Sometimes I was joined by our colleagues, sometimes I was with Rebecca. There were also times when I visited you with your family. They already knew that I wasn’t working in a jewelry shop, and they kept on insisting that we should get married since you were not in the military anymore. Your cheeks always flushed whenever they said that, and I found it so adorable.  
  
When we were left alone in your room, you would always insist that I stay there for the night. I would always say no, even though the hospital staff probably knew that we were in a relationship. We couldn’t risk the military finding out, especially since they were involved in something greater than corruption or simple alchemy, something that could end our lives. You understood, you always understood. And you told me that my presence was enough to keep you going.  
  
But there were times, I remember, when you felt ashamed of yourself. You just wanted to give up. You had nightmares about what happened. You pushed me away, because you didn’t want to burden me with caring for you. I admit that it hurt me when I found out what you felt. But I never stopped being there for you. One day you asked me why I wouldn’t leave your side. You gripped my hand so tight when my only reply was those three words you never fail to remind me of.  
  
You knew my past. You knew my dark secrets, and you still love me. You never left. I will do the same.



 

  1. I love how you surprised me a year after the Promised Day. We were stationed in Central, and you were still at East with your family. That year was one of the busiest times of my life, and the only way we communicated was through phone. Whenever we spoke, you would just laugh and say that it probably wasn’t the right time for us to see each other again. I could hear the sadness in your voice whenever you told me that you missed me, and all I could do was cling into the telephone as if it was my lifeline. I know, it sounds crazy.  
  
One day, Grandfather ordered our team to fetch a group of Xingese delegates from the train station. I was feeling a little dizzy at that time, so I didn’t pay attention to the train stopping in the station. I lifted my head when Roy let out an audible gasp and Breda yelled your name. My eyes widened as I saw you step out of the train, standing again.  
  
The men greeted you with hugs and fist bumps, and I stood there, feet unmoving. I didn’t know how to react. I almost hated you for not telling me that you would return, yet I loved you for pulling another surprise. You were as cheerful as the day we first met, and you were telling the men that there were no Xingese delegates – you just planned to surprise us and Grandfather helped you with that plan. You laughed, and god, I missed hearing that laugh so damn much. My sight became blurry as you stood in front of me. You greeted me with a “hi”, and I just pulled you closer to me in response.  
  
I breathed in your scent that I had missed so much. You put your arms around me, and after a year I felt safe again. I cried, not caring that Breda was laughing as he kept on saying that that was the first time he had ever seen me cry. You patted my head as I cried. You wiped the tears off my eyes as you kissed my forehead, my nose. And when you kissed my mouth I returned those kisses with equal fervor. It was my first time kissing you in a public place, and I didn’t care. I missed you so damn much, and now that we could be together again I would grab every opportunity I had to show you just how much.  
  
You asked me if you could stay at my place tonight. I told you that you should stay by my side forever.


  1. I love how we slowly built our lives together after those series of events that nearly cost us our lives. You said that you wouldn’t return to the military, and instead you decided to open your own general store in Central. Our relationship became known to our other friends, and they were shocked because they also thought that it was very unlikely for us to be together. You loved the fact that we didn’t have to hide anymore. You held my hand in public, and you were more vocal in saying that you love me now compared to before. At first, I admit that I wasn’t used to it. But slowly I felt giddy doing those things with you outside of our homes.  
  
Then after a few months we decided to move in together. You asked me about it casually while we were having dinner at your place. I thought it was a big step in our relationship, and I told you that I got a bit scared because Rebecca told me once that couples who move in together break up months later. You laughed when I said that; you told me that we were practically living together because we sleep in one place, whether it is mine or yours. Moving in together just made it official, you said. And afterwards I really felt excited living with you. It is something normal, which is rare in my life, and I love being normal with you.  
  
Your sister was so excited when we told your family that we will move in together. Grandfather told me that I should make sure that I wouldn’t be late for work now that I was moving in with my boyfriend. We bought an apartment that was near your store and the office so that it would be convenient for both of us. And it felt different, waking up next to you in our own home. Somehow, it made me feel more content with what we had.  
  
Of course, the nightmares never go away. You have yours, I have mine; you appear in mine, I appear in yours. I wake up to the sound of your voice calming me and your arms holding me tight. I wipe the sweat off your face as you slowly wake up from yours, and I kiss your forehead to remind you that I am there. We both help each other forget, and somehow we make it work.



* * *

 

As Riza thought of what reason to put next on her list, her hand froze. Her eyes widened as she remembered – remembered that she was stuck in the present. Her body began shaking, her eyes began to water. She dropped the pen to the floor and hugged herself tight, her hands grabbing a piece of his shirt and curling it into her fist. She tried to find even a faint trace of that familiar smell, but it didn’t smell like Jean anymore – just a clean fabric that had the smell of an old drawer. Riza laid down and rolled to his side of the bed – which didn’t smell like him either. Yet wearing his shirt and lying down on his side of the bed brought her comfort. As if he was still there. It brought comfort along with the smell of the cigarettes she had begun to smoke. Rebecca kept on telling her to stop that habit. She reminded her that she was just wasting her life on cigarettes, and hadn’t she been right?

She glanced at the bottles of beer on her bed table. Rebecca offered to stay with her for the long weekend, but she would rather be alone. He best friend insisted that she should be with her, but when she promised Rebecca that she wouldn’t do anything to end her life, she finally relented. Why would she commit suicide? Riza made a vow to someone who would change the world they are living in into something better. Jean made a vow to that man as well. But most of the times, she cannot help but to think that she wanted to be with him again. She knew that Roy needed her now more than ever since they were now rebuilding Ishval, but she needed _him._

She knew that it was too selfish of her to ask the world to let her be with him again. It was also selfish, considering that she still had to atone for her sins during the Ishval massacre, but she became so used to being with him that right now she couldn’t function fully. She never thought that she would be like this. She didn’t know that it was possible for someone to want to give up living because the one that she loved left. Riza thought that women who acted like this in the novels she read were crazy; it turned out that she had become one of them. Now she could relate to what they felt. Guiltily, she admitted that sometimes she was tempted to do that very thing her best friend told her not to do. She didn’t trust herself with a gun ever since the day he left.

She hugged his pillow so tight she thought it might rip. It was already wet with her tears. It didn’t smell like the man she loved anymore.

Riza wondered if it was possible for her to forget everything about him. Gracia Hughes said that she still remembered everything about her husband, so Riza guessed that she wouldn’t forget. The thought of forgetting scared her the most; she didn’t want to forget.

That weekend was the only time Riza got drunk again, after Jean left. He wouldn’t be used to seeing her like this – drunk with a cigarette on her fingers and writing thoughts she had never told anyone on paper. She guessed that he might even be mad at her for wasting her time like this. But she knew that after getting mad at her, he would pick her up and take care of her. He would let her talk about nonsensical things. He would let her puke on his clean shirt, and he would clean her up and all the mess she made. He would tuck her to bed and hold her tight as she slept, just like how he used to when she get drunk. She thought that that was partly the reason why she decided to get drunk, to pretend that he was still there to take care of her.

She didn’t know how to cope with her loss. She couldn’t bring herself to stay at the shooting range after hours – it strongly reminded her of him. She couldn’t bear to look at people with blond hair and blue eyes, for it reminded her so much of him. She couldn’t read those novels she loved reading before because it also reminded her of him. Everything reminded her of him, and it hurt her more deeply than she thought possible. He left a gaping hole in her heart, but she didn’t want to fill that hole again because he was the one who left it there.

Riza sat down and lit one cigarette. She smoked, pretending that he was there smoking beside her. She smoked, making herself believe that she would see him again. She smoked, silently hoping that it would be the thing that would lead her back to him. She smoked, telling herself that she should continue writing her goddamn list. But she couldn’t bring herself to lift the pen from the floor and write sixty more reasons why she loved him. She didn’t even know what made her write this list; it was all thanks to the alcohol.

Riza let out a huge sigh. One year had passed since then. She felt like it had only happened yesterday. Tears started to fall from her eyes again, and he wouldn’t be there to wipe those tears away like he used to.

* * *

 

_“You have to choose, Captain,” the hired assassin, sneered. “The General or him?”_

_She tried to appear calm, but this time she couldn’t stop shaking. The assassin saw the hesitation in her eyes._

_“You all think that I didn’t do my research, eh?” the man guffawed, it irritated her but she didn’t dare to make a move. “Well tell me then, Captain. Is it a coincidence that I chose to confront Mustang here on 5 th Street? Is it a coincidence that your lover just happened to walk down here with your dog? Is it?!”_

No, it isn’t, _she thought. Jean’s store was here on 5 th Street. He walked their dog every day at two in the afternoon. Instead of attacking Roy right away, the assassin had decided to go with her first. He knew that Roy loved her, and by making her writhe in pain he would be able to kill Roy easier. The assassin had clearly done his research._

_“So I am asking you again, dear Captain,” the assassin tightened his hold on Jean’s neck, the knife dangerously near to his heart. “The General or him?”_

_She knew who she should choose. She chose him every time whenever situations like this arise. But now, she found it hard to say the correct words._

_Jean was waiting for her to choose the man they had vowed to protect. Black Hayate stood behind her, waiting for her to make the next move and barking angrily at the man who held a knife against Jean’s chest. The whole team was waiting for her to choose the General; but they understood why she was taking so long –_ he _was directly involved in this mess._

_He looked into her eyes, blue into brown. His eyes softened, and she understood what those blue eyes were telling her._ I love you. I love you. Do what you have to do. You have to choose him. I love you. _Her eyes whispered those three words back at him - along with the words_ I am sorry _._

_She didn’t want to choose, but she had to. There was nothing else she could do._

_She took a deep breath._

_With shaking hands, she slowly pulled the trigger._

_Her accuracy was still perfect, though; the bullet went into the assassin’s chest, while the knife went into Jean’s._

_The man she loved fell to the ground, along with the man who buried the knife in him._

_The assassin didn’t do his research on that part. She will always choose Roy Mustang’s life over any other, no matter what._

_Everything happened so damn fast. Her vision blurred but the sight of him lying in the pool of his own blood remained clear. It would never be erased from her memory. She dropped her gun and just stared at the scene. She didn’t dare wipe the tears that rapidly fell from her eyes, for they are the reminder that he would soon be gone. For the first time in years, she didn’t want to do what she had to do, which was to put her superior’s safety first. She fell down on her knees, about to go into hysterics when she heard Roy shout to his team._

_“He’s still breathing, go get the ambulance!”_

_As she heard those words she quickly stood up and ran towards him, pushing Roy aside. She held his body close to her and grabbed his hand. His knuckles were becoming white. He was going pale, and he was losing too much blood. She whispered his name over and over again as if it would make him well again. And for the first time in her life, she prayed to whatever being that was higher than them to keep him alive. She knew praying was hopeless, and she knew that there was no way that those gods would listen to her prayer, but she still didn’t want to admit that it was the end._

_As Fuery was trying to cover his wound with a bandage, Jean lifted his hand to wipe the tears off her face with the remaining strength he had. “Please don’t cry, Riza. I hate seeing you cry.”_

_She didn’t stop crying. She couldn’t stop crying. She thought she would only be able to stop if he was safe. Black Hayate stayed on guard near the both of them._

_He had a strangely content look in his face. “Will you get your ring from my pocket, please?” He said, his voice beginning to waver._

_“Ring? What ring?” Riza asked as she did what he requested. In his pocket was an engagement ring. Her eyes widened in shock, and her hand that held the ring began to shake. “Oh god, don’t tell me…” She could see Fuery’s eyes widen as well, tears forming in his eyes. Fuery was hesitating, not sure if he should listen to their conversation or not, but he opted to continue applying first aid treatment to his former comrade with his head bowed._

_Jean smiled at her. “Yeah. See, I was supposed to head to the flower store and buy some flowers.” Using his other hand he took the ring from her. “And then I was going to head home and make a candlelight dinner. Well, I guess it’s obvious that I was planning to propose.”  He coughed blood; the ring became tainted with red._

_She didn’t say anything as he put the ring on her finger. “You know I will say yes, right?” she finally said, still holding his hands; he couldn’t wipe those tears off her face anymore._

_“Yeah, right.”_

_Just that morning she had woken up confused because of the big smile on his face, and the way he acted around her before she left for work. Little did she know that this had been the reason he acted that way. Everything was fine, everything was planned, everything was supposed to be perfect, yet this happened._

_She kissed his forehead as they waited for the ambulance that seemed to be taking forever. She forced herself to push it down and pull herself together, even though she cannot find the strength to do just that. She had to make sure that Roy was alright, but she didn’t want to leave his side._

_“Don’t go, Jean. You will be okay; please stay, don’t leave me.”_

_The look on his face told her that he knew this was the end, but he still tried to be strong for her._

_“No matter what happens, I won’t leave you.” He heaved a sigh. “It’s nice that the last thing I’ll see is your face, but I don’t want you to cry, please.”_

_She gripped his hand tighter in response as he coughed more blood._

_He looked at her as he whispered. “Hey, will you do me a favor?”_

_She kissed the tip of his nose. “Anything.”_

_He heaved a sigh before speaking. “I want you to be happy after… this,” he said. “Promise me you’ll not grieve for me for a long time. Promise me you’ll move on; maybe even find someone who will love you more than I do. Please; promise me that, Riza.”_

_She cried harder. “What makes you think I will love anyone other than you? I never could. I am always yours; I already told you that before, right? I am yours, you are mine.” She hugged him tighter. Fuery continued providing aid while tears fell down from his eyes. “And don’t talk like that! You’ll be fine; the ambulance is on its way. I am just asking you to wait for a few minutes. Do it for me, please.”_

_“You have to promise me that!” he exclaimed as he coughed more blood. “I don’t want to see you lonely, it hurts me to see you lonely; do you know that?” his mouth formed in a weak smile._

_Riza did not reply. There was no way she can do his request. It isn’t that easy, to find another man after being in love with someone who made your whole life meaningful. It just doesn’t feel right. She still can’t accept the fact that the time has come for him to… leave her. She knew that she will never move on._

_“I promise I will always be by your side. I promise I won’t get angry or sad if ever you decided to fall in love with another man. I promise I’ll be happy for you both,” he continued. “Now that I gave you my promises, you should also promise me to do what I asked. Please.”_

_She looked at him, committing his image in her memory. His skin was paler than it was before, yet his eyes that she loved were still bright. It was bright as if he wouldn’t die. As if those eyes would be the first thing she will see when she wakes up tomorrow. Deep in her heart, Riza still hopes that this was all a nightmare._

_There was a brief pause before she nodded. “I’ll try,” Riza lied. “I promise.”_

_He just smiled in reply and closed his eyes. It scared her to death, seeing him like that. She wanted to stop him from closing his eyes. Riza looked around, and there was still no sign of an ambulance. What was taking it so damn long?_

_“Hey, Riza?” He whispered. She returned her gaze at him as he opened his eyes._

_“I love you,” he said._

_She just kissed his forehead in response. She didn’t want to say those words back. It meant accepting the fact that it would be the last time she would ever hear him say those three words._

_“Don’t forget that, okay? I love you, I love you, I love you…”_

_He kept on repeating those three words, and she just cried while holding him in her arms. She felt helpless; she wished she could do anything to keep him alive._

_As she was about to open her mouth and reply with the same three words he stopped breathing._

_That was also when the ambulance decided to appear._

_“God dammit!” She shouted, immediately regretting not saying those three words back to him earlier. “Oh god. I love you more!” She whispered in his ear. “I love you more. I love you, Jean. Come back, please come back…” She shook his body, but he still wouldn’t breathe. His eyes remained closed. “The ambulance is here, Jean. Please, come back!”_

_He was still. Her heart froze. She felt her body become numb._

_“I’m sorry I didn’t tell it to you right away. She wept and wept. Black Hayate approached them and nuzzled at Jean’s face, as if it would bring him alive. The dog must have sensed that Jean had already died. “I love you, I love you,” she continued whispering. “I’m sorry, I love you. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”_

_She felt a hand on her shoulder. It was Roy. The look on his face told her that she should get up so that they could bring Jean to the hospital. But she didn’t want to let him go. It might be the last time she could hold him like that again. She couldn’t find the strength to move, now that he was gone. Black Hayate was barking loudly as he continued to nuzzle and lick Jean’s face, as if he was trying to wake him up. The team looked at them with pity and sadness. She didn’t need that. She needed him to look at her once more with his blue eyes._

_And that was one thing she wouldn’t be able to see again._

_She wouldn’t be able to hear him laugh again. She wouldn’t be able to hug him and kiss him again. She wouldn’t be able to see him alive again. Cigarettes wouldn’t become the reason why he left her, after all._

_Why did this have to happen? She wanted to curse the world for making their lives so complicated. All she wanted was to be with him, but maybe she still didn’t deserve that happiness she craved._

_She hated the assassin. She hated Roy. She hated the goddamned world. She hated Jean. She hated herself._

* * *

 

She missed everything about him, especially those things that she included in her very long list. She missed him so much more than words could ever explain.

The weeks following the day Jean left passed by her like a blur. She didn’t cry during the funeral, but when she returned home after the ceremony she poured her heart out to Rebecca, who stayed with her for a few weeks. The team treated her like a fragile human being, and they gave her less work than usual. It annoyed Riza to no end. She understood that they just wanted to help her feel better, but it wasn’t helping at all. She needed to be busy. Roy, Rebecca, and their other friends never failed to remind her that they would always be there for her, and she was grateful for that. Her grandfather and Jean’s family also gave her emotional support whenever they could. But it still wasn’t enough – they couldn’t bring him back.

Months after that incident, she pretended to be okay. Get up, go to work, and go home. She was like a machine during the day, an emotionless one. But once she stepped into their apartment, she removed the emotionless mask she wore all day and let Black Hayate see her real state. Everywhere she looked reminded her of him. Never had she thought that she would spend the rest of her life alone in their apartment.

She never thought that this would happen to them. If Riza was going to be totally honest, she thought that she would be the first to die between the two of them. She was the one in the military; he spent his days at the store. His job was safer, yet he was the first to leave. It pained Riza so much. She cried every night wishing that it was her instead, or sometimes, wishing that she had also left the world with him.

_He’s gone, he’s gone, he’s gone. He will never come back. He will never come back. He will never come back._ She always repeated those words in her head whenever she found herself looking for him. She still couldn’t accept the fact that he was gone.

She crumpled the list she spent writing for one whole day and threw it at the far side of the room - it almost hit Black Hayate.  The dog stared at the crumpled paper as Riza whispered an apology. She wanted him to be there, _needed_ him to be there. But sadly, all she could do in that moment was cry and whisper his name. All she could do was to tell him how much she missed him. But she always knew that no matter how many tears fell from her eyes, he would never return. He would never return even if she lost her voice shouting his name over and over again. She spent hours with him in the cemetery yesterday, and talked to him as if he was there. People looked at her like she was going crazy, and she felt like it. It was a good thing that it was a long weekend – she didn’t want anyone to see her in this sorry state which was so unlike her.

Her fingers touched her engagement ring; it was passed on from his mother. After he left, his mother and sisters still considered her family, and they even told her that it was okay for them if she will find a new man to love. She didn’t want to, even though it was his final request. She brought her hand closer to her lips. Riza never removed that engagement ring from her hand.

Riza placed all the things that reminded her of him in a box - his clothes, his personal guns, along with his other belongings. Inside it was a much smaller box, filled with things that reminded her of _them_. She opened it and took the very first love note Jean gave her years ago. She could still remember his small smile as he watched her reaction. Riza would never forget the feeling of receiving it for the very first time. She returned it and looked at the other things that were in the box. The necklace he gave her on her birthday, a picture of them with their dog, his lighter – the one that she gave him before they got together.

She felt the space beside her fill, and before she could fool herself into thinking that it was him, Black Hayate began licking the tears on her face.

“Did he tell you to do that?” Riza asked her dog, placing the box beside her and pulling Black Hayate close to her. Black Hayate looked at her with sad eyes; she knew that her dog missed him too. She was about to stand and pick up the crumpled papers to continue writing when something made her stop.

_Yeah, I did._

She frowned. It was as if she heard his voice. She looked at the doorway, and he was standing there. Jean was alive and breathing. He was smiling at her, as if he had never left her.

_Hi, Riza._ His blue eyes were looking at her again.

Riza was in shock. She reminded herself that he was dead. But after a few seconds, she recovered and smiled back at him.

“I must be so drunk - I am already hallucinating. You are not supposed to be here, Jean.”

But she didn’t care at all if she was hallucinating. She continued smiling at the doorway as she stood up and walked towards it. Towards _him._ Black Hayate just stared at his mistress as he wagged his tail.

_You shouldn’t act like this,_ he said, with a frown on his face. _I want you to continue living, for us. I cannot take care of you like before, you know._

Her mind chanted its usual mantra. _He’s gone, he’s gone, he’s gone. He will never come back. He will never come back. He will never come back._ But being the hard-headed woman she was, she still wouldn’t listen. She continued walking. He still wasn’t leaving.

She didn’t know what to say. He left her speechless. He was standing there in front of her, even though he was only a fragment of her drunken mind’s imagination. She didn’t want that fragment to leave.

_No, no, no. Please don’t go._ “I love you,” she whispered, the only words she could utter. She felt like an idiot.

He rolled his eyes and smiled, and it made her laugh with tears in her eyes. He took a step towards her. Once again, she felt his warm embrace. Once again, she felt his lips on her forehead. Once again, she felt whole. She hadn’t felt like this in a very long time.

_You do not have to tell me, I know; I love you more._ She felt his smile against her forehead. She smiled back in reply.

“I miss you,” she said softly. She heard him chuckle. God, she missed that sound.

_I miss you, too. So, so much._ He replied. _I told you I would never leave, didn’t I?_

Riza closed her eyes. She found the motivation to live again.

* * *

 

“I love you, and I will love you until I die, and if there’s a life after that, I will love you then.” – Cassandra Clare, City of Glass.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Please don't hesitate to leave a review/kudos :)


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